Clemency Packages for Every Patriot
Choose the tier that matches your net worth and the severity of your alleged crimes. All prices are suggestions—we're flexible for the right clients.
one-time
Entry-level clemency for those with modest legal troubles and even more modest budgets.
- Single federal charge coverage
- 6-12 month processing
- Basic NDA template
- Email support (72hr response)
- Mention in bulk pardon list
- Priority processing
- Media coordination
- Presidential photo op
- Truth Social mention
one-time
Our most popular package for career criminals and first-time RICO defendants.
- Up to 3 federal charges covered
- 3-6 month processing
- Enhanced NDA with arbitration
- Phone support (24hr response)
- Named in pardon announcement
- Basic media talking points
- Priority processing
- Presidential photo op
- Truth Social mention
one-time
Premium clemency services for those who understand that freedom is an investment.
- Unlimited federal charges
- 1-3 month processing
- Ironclad NDA + non-disparagement
- Dedicated case manager
- Individual pardon announcement
- Full media coordination package
- Priority queue access
- Presidential photo op
- Truth Social mention
starting
White-glove service for oligarchs, executives, and anyone who owns multiple yachts.
- Unlimited charges + family coverage
- 72-hour expedited processing
- Custom NDA drafted by our attorneys
- 24/7 concierge support
- Personalized pardon statement
- Full reputation rehabilitation
- Skip the line entirely
- Presidential photo op at Mar-a-Lago
- Guaranteed Truth Social mention
Family Plan Pricing
Crime is a family affair. Protect your loved ones before they become cooperating witnesses. Bulk discounts available.
Spouse Package
$400K
For the partner who knew everything (or claims they didn't)
Child Bundle
$300K each
Cover the kids before they flip on you
Family pardons are processed together for maximum efficiency. All family members must sign individual NDAs and loyalty pledges. “Family” defined loosely—we don't judge your situation.
Premium Add-Ons
State Coordination
+$2M
We'll connect you with governors who share our values
Reputation Laundering
+$1M
Wikipedia editing, SEO management, and planted positive news stories
Future Crimes Retainer
$500K/year
Stay on our radar for ongoing legal adventures
Need Something More... Bespoke?
For heads of state, Fortune 100 executives, or anyone whose legal troubles have their own Wikipedia page, we offer fully customized Enterprise packages. Pricing starts at $50M and includes a dedicated team, complete media blackout coordination, and a personal introduction.
Request Enterprise ConsultationEnterprise clients receive a complimentary Mar-a-Lago membership (Gold level) and invitations to exclusive donor events.
All prices are in USD. Cryptocurrency accepted at current market rates plus 5% volatility buffer. Payment plans available for sentences over 10 years. Prices subject to change based on news cycle, presidential mood, and proximity to election dates.
*This is satire. You cannot actually buy a presidential pardon through this website. If you could, we definitely wouldn't publish the prices.
Corporate Clemency Solutions
Corporations are people too—people who deserve second chances and minimal accountability. Our entity-level packages protect your business, your board, and your bonus structure.
Remember: It's not a crime if no individual is charged.
For small businesses with creative accounting practices and ambitious regulatory interpretations.
- Single entity coverage
- Up to 3 named executives
- Basic SEC inquiry deflection
- Standard NDA for all employees
- Press release template
Comprehensive protection for boards who prefer not to know what management is doing.
- Full board coverage (up to 12 members)
- Retroactive ignorance certification
- SEC settlement fast-track
- Shareholder lawsuit buffer
- Individual D&O pardon supplements
- "Corporate Culture" rehabilitation
When the entire executive team needs to simultaneously retire to non-extradition countries.
- CEO, CFO, COO, CTO coverage
- Unlimited subsidiary protection
- DOJ deferred prosecution guarantee
- Congressional testimony prep
- Golden parachute legal defense
- Whistleblower preemption package
- Private jet to testimony (one-way optional)
For institutions whose failure would theoretically destabilize the economy. We don't ask questions.
- Unlimited personnel coverage
- Regulatory capture consultation
- Custom legislation drafting
- Federal Reserve liaison
- Media narrative management
- Systemic importance certification
- Treasury Department back-channel
- Guaranteed bailout coordination
Corporate Add-On Services
Subsidiary Firewall
+$5M per entity
Create legal separation between parent company and any subsidiaries engaged in 'aggressive innovation'
Whistleblower Relocation
+$3M
We help problematic employees find fulfilling careers far from federal courthouses
Evidence Consulting
+$10M
Our document retention specialists ensure your files are organized according to best practices
Regulatory Revolving Door
+$8M/year
Ongoing relationships with former SEC, DOJ, and FTC officials who understand your perspective
Corporate Success Stories
Names redacted to protect the profitable. These outcomes are real. The corporations are real. The accountability is not.
Major Pharmaceutical Company
Situation: Price-fixed life-saving medications, destroying evidence
Outcome: Deferred prosecution, $50M fine (0.3% of annual profits)
“The fine was a rounding error. The pardon package was the real investment.”
Large Financial Institution
Situation: Laundered money for cartels, sanctions violations
Outcome: No criminal charges, compliance monitor (their choice)
“We picked our own monitor. He plays golf with our CEO.”
Tech Conglomerate
Situation: Antitrust violations, user data 'incidents'
Outcome: Consent decree with no admission of wrongdoing
“The Board Immunity package paid for itself in avoided depositions.”
Need a Custom Corporate Solution?
For conglomerates, holding companies, and entities with organizational charts that require a forensic accountant to understand, we offer fully bespoke arrangements. Our team includes former prosecutors who now find defense work more... rewarding.
Schedule Board PresentationAll consultations conducted in attorney-client privileged settings. We recommend your general counsel not attend.
*Corporate pardons are complex. Individual executive coverage sold separately. Subsidiary liability may apply. “Too Big to Jail” designation requires Treasury Department pre-approval (we have contacts).
Pardon Insurance ™
Why wait until you're indicted? Smart patriots plan ahead. Our Pardon Insurance provides peace of mind for those planning ambitious business ventures, creative financial strategies, or “disruptive” regulatory approaches.
“The best time to secure a pardon was before you committed the crime. The second best time is now.”
Pre-Approval
Get your pardon paperwork ready before you need it
Risk Assessment
We'll tell you exactly how illegal your plans are
Locked-In Rates
Today's prices, regardless of future crime severity
Priority Queue
Insurance holders skip the line when pardons are issued
Up to $5M in legal exposure
Perfect for founders who move fast and break things—including securities laws.
- Pre-crime consultation calls (quarterly)
- Regulatory gray area assessment
- Basic pardon pre-approval letter
- Early warning system for investigations
- Crypto transaction review
Best for: Tech founders, DeFi innovators, 'disruptors'
Up to $25M in legal exposure
When your business model is too innovative for regulators to understand.
- Monthly strategy sessions
- Multi-agency exposure coverage
- Expedited pardon processing guarantee
- Lobbying coordination
- Offshore structure consultation
- Witness coordination services
Best for: Private equity, hedge funds, 'creative' accountants
Unlimited legal exposure
Comprehensive coverage for those building generational wealth through generational crimes.
- 24/7 legal crisis hotline
- Family member coverage (up to 10)
- International jurisdiction protection
- Media narrative insurance
- Congressional relationship management
- Prosecutorial relationship maintenance
- Guaranteed 72-hour pardon activation
Best for: Dynasty families, oligarchs, 'industrialists'
What's Covered
Financial Innovation
- Securities fraud (creative)
- Insider trading (informed)
- Ponzi schemes (community investment)
- Bank fraud (alternative banking)
- Tax evasion (optimization)
Regulatory Creativity
- EPA violations (efficiency)
- OSHA 'shortcuts'
- FDA 'fast-tracking'
- FTC 'market leadership'
- Import/export 'flexibility'
Political Engagement
- Campaign finance (enthusiastic)
- Foreign lobbying (cultural exchange)
- Bribery (relationship building)
- Obstruction (privacy protection)
- Perjury (alternative facts)
Parenthetical terms are how we describe these activities in paperwork. The IRS calls it “tax evasion.” We call it “tax optimization.” Perspective matters.
Insurance FAQ
When should I get pardon insurance?
Before you need it. Ideally before your first board meeting, investor pitch, or conversation with a foreign national about 'opportunities.'
What's the claims process?
Simply notify us when you receive a target letter, subpoena, or suspicious LinkedIn message from someone claiming to be a 'consultant.' We handle the rest.
Are there exclusions?
We don't cover crimes against children, terrorism, or—this is important—insufficient loyalty to the current administration. Everything else is negotiable.
Can I add coverage mid-investigation?
Yes, but premiums increase 500% once you're a 'person of interest.' We recommend proactive enrollment.
Don't Wait for the Subpoena
Every day you operate without pardon insurance is a day you're exposed. Our actuaries have calculated that 73% of “successful” entrepreneurs will face federal scrutiny at some point. Be prepared.
Get Your Free Risk AssessmentRisk assessment is not actually free. Nothing here is free. The assessment costs $10,000 and is non-refundable. But compared to federal prison, it's a bargain.
*Pardon Insurance is not actual insurance and is not regulated by any state insurance commission (we checked). Coverage is contingent on administration continuity, presidential mood, and your ongoing loyalty score. Pre-existing investigations may affect eligibility.