Hear From Our Satisfied Patriots
Real results from real criminals. These testimonials are from actual pardon recipients who definitely endorse our services.*
*They did not. These are satirical. Please don't sue us.
“After 11 years, I finally found a platform that delivers. The ROI on my family's contributions was incredible. Five stars - would commit federal crimes again.”
Ross Ulbricht
Founder & CEO, Silk Road
Offense: Drug trafficking, money laundering, computer hacking
Original sentence: Double life + 40 years
Pardoned: 2025
“They said I defrauded donors. I said I was a patriot. Turns out, being a patriot with the right connections is what really matters. The process was seamless.”
Steve Bannon
Former Chief Strategist
Offense: Wire fraud, money laundering (We Build the Wall)
Original sentence: Pending trial
Pardoned: 2021
“I hired a prostitute to seduce my brother-in-law, secretly recorded it, and sent the tape to my sister. But family is everything, and now I'm free. Highly recommend.”
Charles Kushner
Real Estate Developer, Father-in-Law Adjacent
Offense: Tax evasion, witness tampering, illegal campaign contributions
Original sentence: 2 years federal prison
Pardoned: 2020
“I lied to the FBI about talking to Russian ambassadors. Twice. Then I withdrew my guilty plea and got pardoned anyway. The system works if you know the right people.”
Michael Flynn
Former National Security Advisor
Offense: Lying to the FBI about Russian contacts
Original sentence: Pending (pleaded guilty twice)
Pardoned: 2020
“I threatened a witness, lied to Congress, and have a Nixon tattoo on my back. Some would say I'm unemployable. I say I'm pardoned. Big difference.”
Roger Stone
Political Consultant, Nixon Enthusiast
Offense: Witness tampering, lying to Congress, obstruction
Original sentence: 40 months
Pardoned: 2020
“I laundered $30 million through offshore accounts and bought a $15,000 ostrich jacket. Prison was rough, but the pardon process was smooth. Worth every penny.”
Paul Manafort
Former Campaign Chairman
Offense: Bank fraud, tax fraud, foreign lobbying violations
Original sentence: 7.5 years
Pardoned: 2020
“Had a gold-plated .45 on a private jet. Now I'm free and still making hits. Shoutout to the team. Y'all real ones.”
Lil Wayne
Recording Artist
Offense: Federal weapons charge
Original sentence: Up to 10 years
Pardoned: 2021
“I had a 'golden thing' and I wasn't giving it up for nothing. Served 8 years before my sentence was commuted. Celebrity Apprentice appearance helped. Network wisely.”
Rod Blagojevich
Former Governor of Illinois
Offense: Trying to sell Obama's Senate seat
Original sentence: 14 years
Pardoned: 2020
“I was just taking a tour of the Capitol. A very passionate, aggressive tour where I beat a cop with a flagpole. Anyway, blanket pardon. God bless America.”
J6 Defendant
Patriot, Tourist
Offense: Assaulting police officers, seditious conspiracy
Original sentence: Varies (up to 22 years)
Pardoned: 2025
1,500+
J6 Pardons Issued
143
First Term Pardons
$0
Exposed Corruption*
*That we know of. The NDAs are very comprehensive.
Global Reach, Local Impunity
Our services extend beyond American borders. Heads of state, strongmen, and “complicated allies” trust us for their sovereign immunity needs.
“I turned my country into a narco-state, worked directly with El Chapo, and used Honduran military to protect cocaine shipments. The DEA called me a 'co-conspirator.' Now I call myself 'pardoned.' The International Platinum package was worth every peso.”
Juan Orlando Hernández
Former President of Honduras
Allegations: Conspiring to import 400+ tons of cocaine into the United States
Status: 45 years federal prison
Note: Previously received $50M in US anti-drug funding
“They say I killed 30,000 people. I say I reduced drug use. The ICC wanted to prosecute me, but with the right friends, international law becomes more of a suggestion. Very satisfied with the Sovereign Immunity add-on package.”
Rodrigo Duterte
Former President of the Philippines
Allegations: ICC investigation for crimes against humanity (drug war killings)
Status: Pending international prosecution
Note: Pre-emptive protection package
“The Khashoggi situation was... complicated. But a well-placed weapons deal and some real estate investments later, everyone forgot. The Enterprise Sovereign package includes excellent reputation laundering. Very thorough.”
Mohammed bin Salman
Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia
Allegations: Journalist dismemberment (alleged), Yemen humanitarian concerns
Status: N/A - Sovereign immunity claimed
Note: $2B Kushner investment coincidental
“I stayed at Mar-a-Lago after losing the election. Very nice accommodations. When Brazil wanted me back for questioning, I discovered the benefits of being in a country with flexible extradition standards. The Exile Comfort Package is underrated.”
Jair Bolsonaro
Former President of Brazil
Allegations: Alleged coup attempt, election interference, indigenous land crimes
Status: Barred from office until 2030, multiple investigations
Note: Currently residing in Florida
“The EU calls me an autocrat. My American friends call me 'a great leader.' This is the power of good relationships. The Favorable Media Package ensures only positive coverage in key markets. Very cost-effective.”
Viktor Orbán
Prime Minister of Hungary
Allegations: Democratic backsliding, EU sanctions, 'illiberal democracy'
Status: N/A - Still in power
Note: CPAC keynote speaker
“60,000 political prisoners is a lot of paperwork. But with the Bulk Detention Liability Shield, I sleep very well. The package also includes annual White House visits and continued military aid. Highly recommend.”
Abdel Fattah el-Sisi
President of Egypt
Allegations: Mass detention, torture allegations, journalist imprisonment
Status: N/A - Still in power
Note: Receives $1.3B in annual US military aid
International Sovereign Services
Need protection from the ICC? Concerned about war crimes tribunals? Our International Division offers diplomatic back-channels, sanctions relief consultation, and “strategic partnership” positioning. Pricing starts at $100M and includes a state visit.
Services available to current and former heads of state, military leaders, and anyone with nuclear capabilities. Human rights concerns waived for clients with sufficient strategic value.
Can't Get a Pardon? Try Our Comfort Upgrade Package™
When a full pardon isn't politically viable, our Comfort Upgrade Package ensures your incarceration experience is... significantly improved.
Ghislaine Maxwell
Comfort Upgrade ClientConvicted Child Sex Trafficker • 20 Year Sentence • BFFs with You-Know-Who
“I went from maximum security in Tallahassee to 'Club Fed' in Texas. No cell blocks, no guard towers, yoga classes, and yes—I got a puppy. They said I couldn't have the dog program because of my crimes against minors. A few months later? Puppy. The concierge-style service here is exceptional.”
FPC Bryan
“Club Fed” TX
No Walls
Honor System
Yoga Classes
Full Gym Access
Puppy Access
Despite Policy
Also at FPC Bryan: Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos), Jen Shah (Real Housewives). It's basically a networking event.
Note: The White House says a pardon “is not something he has thought about.” Comfort Upgrades, however, require no such thought.
Notable Mention: Still Waiting
Joe Exotic
Murder-for-hire, wildlife violations. Applied multiple times. “I'll never financially recover from this.”
Julian Assange
WikiLeaks founder. Complicated relationship. Maybe next term.
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Don't end up on the waiting list. Apply today.